of being men), they say completely the wrong
things.
Between mansplaining and Esquire and poker night with the bros,
there’s a lot of misinformation out there as to what your girlfriend does(n’t)
want to hear. Let’s be clear: There’s a never a time when we want
pet names for our pussy. Good talk. Some things, like the above, should rather be
put in that special cabinet of “Things You Don’t Say To Your Girlfriend,” along with then“Ex-Files.”
Boyfriends everywhere, you guys are awesome, but you could be doing even better if you just didn’t share every single thought that runs through your head. Remember, hanging out with your girlfriend is not a poetry slam.
Here are 25 things you DON’T want to hear your boyfriend say:
1. THANKS FOR THE BIRTHDAY GIFT, BUT I REALLY CAN’T ACCEPT THIS.
That’s not how rejecting a gift goes! You’re
supposed to just take it and pretend to use it
and then put it someplace you’ll immediately
forget about that will eventually go missing.
Gosh.
2. BABE, I THINK IT’S TIME WE ADOPT A MACROBIOTIC DIET.
Sure, does that mean I can eat cookies only in
the closet then?
We’re all for improving our lifestyles and
motivating each other to healthier, as long as it
includes some flexibility in our diets. Let’s first
start with baby steps, like ordering vodka on
the rocks.
3. RAY RICE SEEMS LIKE A REALLY COOL GUY.
And Chris Brown would make a good
wingman? We sincerely hope that’s a failed
attempt at joking.
4. ANOTHER PAIR OF SHOES? DO YOU REALLY NEED THOSE?
Shoes are sacred and are not meant to be
understood by the male species. It’s like how
we respect your right to football — you cannot
question that which you do not appreciate. You
have your balls, we have our feet.
5. MY EX WANTS TO MEET FOR COFFEE.
Normally we’re not one for generalizations,
but we’re going to make an exception: any
sentence that begins with “My ex…” and
doesn’t end with “was the worst person on the
planet and I hope to never see her again”
should be refrained from admitting aloud to us.
In fact, we’d prefer if you never thought of
her, ever.
6. WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS?
Uh, we’re very well-aware that our friends
haven’t arrived yet, and it’s already midly
stressing us out. A better question is why are
you so concerned about it? In these tense
situations, the best thing to do is support us,
not make us feel bad — or worse, suspicious.
7. DID YOU JUST FART?
Please, for the love of G-d, pretend like all you
heard was birds chirping. This is horrifying
enough without calling direct attention to it.
8. I DREAMT ABOUT CHANNING TATUM
LAST NIGHT.
That’s really only okay when we say it. This is
one of those things that gets filed under “Stuff
You Don’t Share With Your Girlfriend,” right
next to “chlamydia.”
9. LET’S GO FOR A RUN TOGETHER!
Yeah, and afterwards let’s jump into an ocean
full of hammerhead sharks while voluntarily
sawing each other’s big toes off. That’s what
love is all about, right? Doing stuff together?
10. IS THAT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN?
Use your imagination here. Or don’t. Both raise
equal cause for concern and are guaranteed to
freak us out.
11. LET’S WATCH “INDIANA JONES”
TONIGHT!
Okay, great! Right after we watch “27 Dresses”
and eat so much popcorn that we pass out
from giving birth to food babies. You have the
best ideas, boo.
12. WHICH GIRL?
If he asks which girl we’re referring to
(especially when we’re on his cell phone), it’s
never a good thing. Red flags all around.
13. WILL YOU MOVE TO NORWAY WITH
ME?
Do they ship the Blueprint cleanse there? Can I
get almond milk?
14. RELAX, CALM DOWN.
Men, you should know by now that saying
“relax” when we’re emotional and heated has
the opposite effect. It diminishes our feelings
and makes us feel stupid. Just don’t go there.
15. YOU WOULD LOOK GREAT IN THE
OUTFIT THAT GIRL IS WEARING.
We know this is code for “that girl is hot.” Stop
checking her out in front of us. We’re totally
onto you.
16. I’M RUNNING LATE AGAIN, SORRY.
We’ll just stand here scrolling through
Instagram for the 100th time, pretending like
we haven’t seen (or heard) this before. But we
aren’t happy about it.
17. MY MOM WANTS TO HAVE ONE-ON-
ONE BRUNCH WITH YOU.
Does that mean we should or should not drink
during the meal? And do we get to call-in any
lifelines? The only thing worse than exclusive
quality time with your mother is the birthday
gift she advised you on.
18. OOPS! WRONG HOLE!
UH!?!?! Then which is it?!?!?!
19. WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS THING ON
MY BACK?
We will, but we’d rather not. Cue the skeevies.
20. HOW MANY CHIPS IS THAT?
Way too many for you to keep track. But thank
you for trying, really.
21. WE SHOULD TAKE A FLORAL
ARRANGEMENT CLASS.
This happened. It was weird. And we still feel a
little bit strange writing about it now.
22. IT’S NOT REAL.
In reference to: the diamond, your boner, our
love, our personal work struggles. That one
never goes over well. The struggle is, in fact,
very real, guys.
23. SHE’S A GREAT GIRL. YOU SHOULD
GIVE HER A CHANCE.
Yeah? Should we also give covering ourselves
in gasoline and lighting a match a chance, too?
Because we’d rather do that than befriend a
girl who wears overalls sans-underneath-
clothes when she comes to visit you.
24. YOU LOOK FINE.
Equally as bad: you look the same. Just make
some more descriptive adjective up, please,
and then we’ll never ask you how we look
again… Until tomorrow. Isn’t having a
girlfriend so much fun!?
25. I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING WITH THIS
CONDOM ON.
We can’t hear anything that you’re saying with
these earplugs in, either! Wrap it, or don’t tap
it.
– Laura Argintar/Elite Daily ads
No comments:
Post a Comment