Monday, 30 January 2017

Must Read! Writer pens an open letter to Nigerian men who advice ladies to keep their vaginas clean

Viola Ifeyinwa Okolie dedicated this letter to Nigerian men, especially those on social media who are 'smelly vagina' counsellors.
Dear Men,
We have been reading your plenty plenty updates on women and their "smelly vaginas" plus your plenty plenty advice on how to keep the vagina clean and we kind of agree with you.
I mean to a large extent, you are the ones that get to dip your pens into the ink pot so perhaps it is only right and proper that you also have the rights to decide whose vagina is smelly and whose is not.

Of course we will not delve into the fact that most of you do NOT even know what smells to expect from the vagina, we'll talk about that another day.

I just thought I should let you know that in appreciation of the fact that the whole world is your toilet, so you have the exclusive male privilege of just zipping down and letting splat against any available wall, into the gutters, spraying the bushes... whatever catches your fancy.

But you see that last drop you always want to think you have shaken off before you tuck obele willy back in your boxers and go away? Well sometimes, you don't get all of it.

One or two mischievous drops still follow you back into your drawers and mingle with the pubic hair, the accumulated sweat in your crotch and the transferred bombom smell you brought over when you first scratched your bombom then also scratched your balls without washing your hand first.

So when you wave your obele willy in a woman's face, and she turns away, it is not because she doesn't know what to do with it, but because she already has a gag reflex to deal with without having to deal with a combination piss/sweat/hairy/bombom smell.

You have to keep that place neat, biko.

Please, every time you pull out your willy to take a pee in your worldwide latrine, please ensure you shake it to the last drop, then wash it with soap and water, leave it outside for a few minutes to air dry, sprinkle a little bit of talcum powder on it before tucking it back in.

You can also always carry a pack of baby wipes for instances when you do not have access to water and soap.

That way, it would be all nice and clean.
Please put a condom on it before you sit on the WC. Spare a thought for your woman, her organs are internal. You can't just leave your willy dangling over the WC, over the pit latrine, etc and then attempt to come and poke it in her?

Then when you have successfully transmitted an infection to her, you would run out on social media to come and regale us with "advice on how to keep the vagina smell free".

Also, it is men like you who use to shave their crotch.

Please clear the hair in your crotch, abeg.
Some of you, the hair there is tough like wire and has dandruff which also has dandruff that has its own dandruff ad nauseam.

You will leave that place unshaven and then wonder why madam lusts after clean shaven (down below) men? You better do the needful if not, if she sees a man whose crotch is nearly shaven, she might be attracted - you know how the devil used to capitalise on your uncleanliness to cause your woman to stray.

Beard gang is for the face and not for the local government headquarters junction.
You can also make that place attractive to us by applying relaxer to your pubic hairs once in a while, or barbing it into a Mohawk.

You know, just the way Tony from the gym barbs his (not that we know for sure o, we are just guessing).

And don't wear boxers, boxers all the time. At night, take your bath and wash your crotch very well with soap and water, then just take off the boxers and let your crotch have air.

Oh, and also brush your teeth.

And wash your boxers daily, then throw anyone you have used at least for a week away and buy a new pair.

You have to constantly be on your A Game okay?

Don't go and relax now because you think you are now married and chase your wife away with your dirtiness.

Thank you.

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