Dating too soon after the divorce:
I
learned this lesson early. I only dated because my ex had a girlfriend,
and it was my way to personally retaliate. Who did it hurt? Me! I was a
dating disaster since I wasn’t truly ready. Starting to date again can
be an overwhelming experience. My self-esteem was damaged and I felt
stuck. I needed to work through my personal issues before I could be
successful in dating. Fortunately, I had the help of a wonderful
professional counselor who helped me move forward. Many women go
straight to their girlfriends for advice on dating and relationships
when a professional source is needed. An unbiased professional — someone
who sees issues objectively — is a better choice. A coach will tell you
the truth about your readiness to date. A well-meaning friend may not
be so honest. My advice is, before you join the dating boomers, seek out
professional help from a trained counselor or coach like myself. In
this case, you need a coach more than you need to eat another chocolate
bar with a girlfriend!
Being afraid to go solo:
Solo
is the way to go when you are looking to meet someone to date. Although
we love being with our girlfriends, constantly traveling with a group
of gal pals is a recipe for disaster. I know it takes time to feel
comfortable traveling alone, so you need to practice. I suggest taking a
class, going to a show, concert, movie or opera alone. Take yourself
out for dinner and sit near the bar area. If you’re feeling confident,
have dinner at the bar. If you spot someone of interest, catch his eye
for a few seconds and smile. Perhaps he will come over and introduce
himself. If he doesn’t, count it as practice. A woman alone is
approachable, confident and mysterious. The more you practice going out
alone, the easier it is. I tell clients, if you want to meet an
interesting man, be an interesting woman. Remember, men are attracted to
women who are independent and fun — women who have interesting lives of
their own.
Being someone other than your “genuine self” on a first date:
Talking
about work may feel safe, but it’s not a good first date conversation.
If you had a bad day, stay home unless you can bring a positive,
approachable attitude along. Before going out, I put on some upbeat or
romantic music, dance by myself in my home and think happy thoughts. I
leave my past in the past. If you don’t have time to go home prior,
dress for work in something “dateable” like a wrap dress, a pencil
skirt, or a fabulous sweater or satin blouse that makes you feel pretty.
Focus on a positive mood, be aware of your posture and stand tall. Add
your favorite perfume, freshen your makeup and hair and smile. Your
smile is always your most important beauty accessory and a welcoming
appearance enhancer.
Breaking plans to date:
It’s
a mistake to break plans with girlfriends or alter your schedule if
dating conflicts occur. Men don’t change their schedules and you
shouldn’t either. Do keep doing what you enjoy and incorporate new
experiences into a broadening social scene. I attend movie classes alone
and add new classes each year to my schedule, no matter what is going
on in my life. Men are attracted to women who have a vibrant life and
who take care of themselves outside and inside. They will only like you
more. Always nurture your spirit and do things that give yourself
pleasure.
Burning bridges if you don’t feel “sparks”:
Chemistry
is elusive as you date. Be patient. Recently I went on a date and had a
great evening, but there were no sparks. So what? I decided to accept a
second date because we had fun together. Unfortunately, there is still
no chemistry. My advice to my “dating self” was to make my date into my
friend. The suggestion may offend some men, but take the opportunity to
be good company. I know from experience that some men are happy with
this idea. Men enjoy the companionship of a woman. There is no pressure;
just friendship. Try it. You may be surprised with the results. What
can start out as a friendship may even turn into romance. Sparks can
disappear, but friendship is forever.
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